You Are Not a Machine

as the title says, I've been having this feeling of late.

It's a very good feeling, as oppose to the ever anxiety-inducing feeling about the future, which loomed over my head during covid. 

A big part of it definitely has to do with finding my current job. It's a much better fit for myself compared to the last. Having work sorted out really takes the stress out of life, at least I found that to be true. I no longer incessently worry about what I'm not doing enough to progress in my profession or do I try to pack more studying after work to squeeze every bit of juice left in my personal hour. At certain point, I felt pretty dead inside, not because I felt really tired, but rather, I was fully aware that I was sacrificing each moment today for "tomorrow" under the belief that putting more work in will increase my chances of finding a better opportunity. In some sense, that was needed and was necessary, but to a point. 

When you're living purely for the future, you are a living dead today. 

I'm glad that I went through that phase, but I'm more glad that it's done and I've came out of the other side intact, conditoned, and humbled. 

It's strange becaues I was just about to type down "Now, I have more time to ...", but when examined just a bit more critically, it's evident that I always had the time, but I didn't give myself permission to do anything else, the likes of which I'm doing now; leisure reading, writing, calling a friend, etc. I was delaying activities that brought joy of life because they did not reap immediate benefits that contributed to what I believed to be of utmost importance, my career. I was doing only what was necessary to keep my mind and body functioning for what I needed it to do, like a maintaining machine. As a result, I felt like a machine, quite dead inside. 

We always had the time, it's just whether we find whatever it is to be justifiable to our belief.

But often times, we're so wrong about what's actually important, nor do examine our beliefs. 

And so the cycle continues and we feel stuck without knowing why. 

For myself, the lesson is to give yourself some slack; give life some slack.

If you feel the onset of a burnout, then it's time to stop following what's in your head and instead spend some time listening to your heart, because it works when the head fails. 

Also, you're not a machine.